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The Starr Report: How to Date Up

Do you want to date someone who’s a little bit cuter? Someone who seems out of your league? Allow me to take all the fun mystery out of dating.

Unsurprisingly, everyone wants to end up with the person we find most attractive. But dating is two-sided: we can’t just “choose” someone, since they also have to think of us as a catch. This creates a two-sided marketplace. How high do you aim? But more importantly: who do you decide to pursue?

Most of the time, we pursue someone who looks the part: someone cute who finds us cute. Someone who looks like they’d be a good significant other. But the long road, a.k.a. the slow burn, is the best method to figuring out other people. Don’t immediately pursue others or put them in the friend zone. The way we learn about other people means that we often mistakenly let single or meaningless traits define the way we see them. Suspend judgment. Don’t think you have an idea of how you’ll end up relating to someone. Be patient.

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Listen to the people who love you. Believe that they are worth living for even when you don’t believe it. Seek out the memories depression takes away and project them into the future. Be brave; be strong; take your pills. Exercise because it’s good for you even if every step weighs a thousand pounds. Eat when food itself disgusts you. Reason with yourself when you have lost your reason.

Andrew Solomon

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Can You Learn to be Lucky: Why Some People Seem to Win More Often Than Others by Karla Starr

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